It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
