May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Is it because I queefed?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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