Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
