I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize