Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
