it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
