all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
