The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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