I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
