How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
