i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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