if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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