i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
