I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize