she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
