U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
