this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
