He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
