I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
