awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
