Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
