Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
