I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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