HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
