I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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