John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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