drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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