Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
