dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
