I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
