Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
