Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
