Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
