y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
