so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
