The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
