My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
