ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
