you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
