My room smells like vodka and shame
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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