I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize