it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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