i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
