Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
