i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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