I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
