that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
