I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
