how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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