My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
