I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
