We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
