I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
