i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
