Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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