I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
