Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
