i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I need to stop coming to work sober
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
