Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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