How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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