I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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