I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
