Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
