Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you will always have a special place in my vag
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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