i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
