about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
