we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
