I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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